It doesn’t get easier to live without him;
His absence is felt so strongly.
Without my child who should be here,
Reality is shaded so wrongly.
Life feels backwards, skewed, and sideways,
When I think of the children I buried.
I felt them, saw them, held them, kissed them–
Every day of their existence I carried.
I don’t try to make sense of this wrongness
Or smooth crooked reality straight.
I can only grasp an upside-down anchor,
Sunk firmly in heaven’s gate.
Now my life is a topsy-turvy walk,
I journey through not quite at home.
But I suppose that’s what faith sometimes does
When faith just won’t leave you alone.
I should be kissing chubby cheeks,
His two-year old face filled with cake.
But I can’t, oh I can’t! So I fix these sore eyes
Determinedly on what’s at stake.
My heart’s arms wrap around Elliot
So tightly I swear he’s right here.
He whispers to me, “Mom, don’t give up,”
As he and Jesus catch all my tears.
He knows like I can’t how the time will fly;
He knows we’ll soon be together.
But my mama’s heart that wants to embrace him
Feels like it is taking forever.
So one more birthday, one more step,
One more circle around our small star.
Every bluebird crossing life’s changing path
Reminds me Elliot is not very far.
I’m floating here with an upside-down view,
Jesus and my heaven-babies saying:
“It’s okay to give your life away–
It’s not home; you won’t be staying.”
This hope thing is heavy and faith is rough
When my faith eyes are too dim to see.
But once in a while I can picture it clearly:
My little birthday boy running to me.