grief, Infant loss, love in loss, Trauma, Uncategorized

My Glass Heart

I took this picture 26 months ago yesterday as my precious son held on to my finger. 26 months ago today, this perfect little love died in my arms. The first year after Elliot died was a blur of days spent weeping, mourning, remembering, memorializing. The second year was an abrupt desperation to DO something.… Continue reading My Glass Heart

faith, grief, Infant loss, love in loss

The Upside-Down Anchor

It doesn’t get easier to live without him; His absence is felt so strongly. Without my child who should be here, Reality is shaded so wrongly. Life feels backwards, skewed, and sideways, When I think of the children I buried. I felt them, saw them, held them, kissed them-- Every day of their existence I… Continue reading The Upside-Down Anchor

faith, grief, Infant loss, love in loss, Trauma

Not a Means To An End

My Elliot is not a means to an end. A few months after Elliot died, a friend took me to lunch and asked me a provocative question.   “Do you think it will ever be worth it?”   I wasn’t offended. I knew what she meant. I would’ve wondered something similar prior to Elliot’s death… Continue reading Not a Means To An End

faith, grief, Infant loss, love in loss, Miscarriage, Trauma

Three Aspects of Infant Loss We Don’t Talk About (But Should)

Here I am again, approaching spring and all its painful triggers. Two years ago I was pregnant with my little Elliot. I was brimming to my eyeballs in hope and relief as I fully believed I was past the worst of my pregnancy and, at 18 weeks, in the “safe zone.” How could I ever… Continue reading Three Aspects of Infant Loss We Don’t Talk About (But Should)

faith, grief, Infant loss, love in loss, Miscarriage

UN-Comfortably Numb

I’m tired. I’m so tired of missing him. I’m tired of time passing and his brief life becoming more of a distant memory. I’m tired of triggers taking me back there when I’m not expecting it. I’m tired of thinking in years...Avery would be two and a half YEARS old. Everett would be almost two… Continue reading UN-Comfortably Numb

faith, grief, Uncategorized

The “God Is Good” Dilemma

  God is good.   Chris Tomlin says it: “You’re a good, good father...:”   My childhood church camp said it: “God is soooo good, God is soooo good, God is soooo good, he’s so gooood….toooo….me….” (four-part harmony)   The Bible says it:   “For the Lord is good; His steadfast love endures forever, and… Continue reading The “God Is Good” Dilemma

faith, grief, Infant loss, love in loss

One Sacred Night

Written by my mother, Gelene Springston   One Sacred Night Reflections by a Grateful Grammy   “They’re losing Elliot,” my husband said sadly. Our son, Ryan, had just called with the awful news. Minutes later a call came from a tearful nurse, “Come as quickly as you can!”  We were 50 minutes from St. Joseph… Continue reading One Sacred Night

grief, Infant loss, love in loss, Uncategorized

Two Versions of Me

One of my favorite features of Denver International Airport is the long, long moving walkway. I like how it helps travelers traverse the great distance across terminals at exponential speed. It’s gratifying to step on an already-moving conveyor belt, and become strangely quick with minimal effort. Passing by all the regular pedestrians on the stationary… Continue reading Two Versions of Me

faith, grief, love in loss

Faith Without Faith

It’s been nearly fifteen months since my little boy died. It’s surreal to me how present-tense Elliot is in my life, when it feels like, for the world around me, his life is a past-tense event. For me, he’s just as real and present in my life as my other children. God continues to use… Continue reading Faith Without Faith