faith, grief, Infant loss, love in loss

Sentenced to Life

Today is the Spring (or Vernal) Equinox, a day when there is exactly as much light to the day as there is dark. On the Vernal Equinox of 2017, I went in for the 20-week anatomy ultrasound of my growing baby boy, Elliot. We’d endured four months of uncertainty in my awful pregnancy, and finally… Continue reading Sentenced to Life

faith, grief, Juarez, love in loss

The Way Things Grow

We just returned from a brief trip to Juárez, México to visit our dear friends, Maria and Gilbert, who run an elementary school and junior high school. Besides just caring about seeing our friends, Dustin and I also wanted to visit since we are on the school board and are deeply invested in what happens… Continue reading The Way Things Grow

adoption, grief, Infant loss, pregnancy

The Womb of the World

Last night we had the pleasure of hosting our small group from church. One of my friends in the group is pregnant with her second sweet baby, and someone asked her how far along she is. “30 weeks,” she replied.   My mind began reeling a bit. 30 weeks. I delivered Elliot when I was… Continue reading The Womb of the World

faith, grief, Infant loss, love in loss, Uncategorized

Buried Under a Christmas Star

My girls and I spent several hours this weekend working on Christmas cookies to give to our new cul-de-sac neighbors. I confess it was fun the first hour or two; and then….so. much. mess. The flour everywhere. The pans and bowls piled. The sprinkles. THE SPRINKLES!!! Let’s just say I was a little more Grinch… Continue reading Buried Under a Christmas Star

faith, grief, Infant loss, love in loss

The Upside-Down Anchor

It doesn’t get easier to live without him; His absence is felt so strongly. Without my child who should be here, Reality is shaded so wrongly. Life feels backwards, skewed, and sideways, When I think of the children I buried. I felt them, saw them, held them, kissed them-- Every day of their existence I… Continue reading The Upside-Down Anchor

faith, grief, Infant loss, love in loss, Trauma

Not a Means To An End

My Elliot is not a means to an end. A few months after Elliot died, a friend took me to lunch and asked me a provocative question.   “Do you think it will ever be worth it?”   I wasn’t offended. I knew what she meant. I would’ve wondered something similar prior to Elliot’s death… Continue reading Not a Means To An End

faith, grief, Infant loss, love in loss, Miscarriage

UN-Comfortably Numb

I’m tired. I’m so tired of missing him. I’m tired of time passing and his brief life becoming more of a distant memory. I’m tired of triggers taking me back there when I’m not expecting it. I’m tired of thinking in years...Avery would be two and a half YEARS old. Everett would be almost two… Continue reading UN-Comfortably Numb

faith, grief, Uncategorized

The “God Is Good” Dilemma

  God is good.   Chris Tomlin says it: “You’re a good, good father...:”   My childhood church camp said it: “God is soooo good, God is soooo good, God is soooo good, he’s so gooood….toooo….me….” (four-part harmony)   The Bible says it:   “For the Lord is good; His steadfast love endures forever, and… Continue reading The “God Is Good” Dilemma

faith, grief, Infant loss, love in loss

One Sacred Night

Written by my mother, Gelene Springston   One Sacred Night Reflections by a Grateful Grammy   “They’re losing Elliot,” my husband said sadly. Our son, Ryan, had just called with the awful news. Minutes later a call came from a tearful nurse, “Come as quickly as you can!”  We were 50 minutes from St. Joseph… Continue reading One Sacred Night

faith, grief, love in loss

Faith Without Faith

It’s been nearly fifteen months since my little boy died. It’s surreal to me how present-tense Elliot is in my life, when it feels like, for the world around me, his life is a past-tense event. For me, he’s just as real and present in my life as my other children. God continues to use… Continue reading Faith Without Faith