I’m tired. I’m so tired of missing him. I’m tired of time passing and his brief life becoming more of a distant memory. I’m tired of triggers taking me back there when I’m not expecting it. I’m tired of thinking in years...Avery would be two and a half YEARS old. Everett would be almost two… Continue reading UN-Comfortably Numb
Author: Heidi Treibel
I am a mom to three children in my home and three babies in heaven. I choose to share the raw reality of the sorrow of loss through the filter of hope in Jesus Christ.
Though it has not been the story I would've chosen, much of my writing is my reflections on being a mom of babies in heaven. Avery Rose went to heaven on January 19, 2016 at 9 weeks gestation. Everett James went to heaven on August 8, 2016 at 6 weeks gestation. Elliot William shined in our lives during 30 weeks of a nightmarish pregnancy. He was born on May 29, 2017, and died on June 3, 2017. Only heaven will heal this wounded mama's heart. I also write candidly about the struggles with faith these losses have brought me. I believe the wrestling with God is necessary and healthy as my belief system is redefined and my relationship with Him is refined.
If you are reading, it is my hope that you will be moved to listen to others with deep compassion, and share your own stories of life, love, and loss with deep conviction. We are all pilgrims in a broken world; I hope we walk together as we journey to the land "where no storms come."
The “God Is Good” Dilemma
God is good. Chris Tomlin says it: “You’re a good, good father...:” My childhood church camp said it: “God is soooo good, God is soooo good, God is soooo good, he’s so gooood….toooo….me….” (four-part harmony) The Bible says it: “For the Lord is good; His steadfast love endures forever, and… Continue reading The “God Is Good” Dilemma
One Sacred Night
Written by my mother, Gelene Springston One Sacred Night Reflections by a Grateful Grammy “They’re losing Elliot,” my husband said sadly. Our son, Ryan, had just called with the awful news. Minutes later a call came from a tearful nurse, “Come as quickly as you can!” We were 50 minutes from St. Joseph… Continue reading One Sacred Night
Two Versions of Me
One of my favorite features of Denver International Airport is the long, long moving walkway. I like how it helps travelers traverse the great distance across terminals at exponential speed. It’s gratifying to step on an already-moving conveyor belt, and become strangely quick with minimal effort. Passing by all the regular pedestrians on the stationary… Continue reading Two Versions of Me
Faith Without Faith
It’s been nearly fifteen months since my little boy died. It’s surreal to me how present-tense Elliot is in my life, when it feels like, for the world around me, his life is a past-tense event. For me, he’s just as real and present in my life as my other children. God continues to use… Continue reading Faith Without Faith
Heaven’s Middle Child
My littlest baby, My Everett. I marvel at your name and the conviction I have that you are a boy. I know some mommies of miscarried babies don’t name their little ones because of the uncertainty of the gender. That’s okay. You all have names and identities that one day we’ll know… Continue reading Heaven’s Middle Child
10 Things Bereaved Mothers Fear You’ll Think
Bereaved Mothers feel a lot of emotions. No two moms of children in heaven feel all the same things, in the same order, or to the same extent. Fear is an emotion that can wreak havoc on our already fragile hearts. In this precious community I’m a part of, bereaved mothers who've lost babies, mommies… Continue reading 10 Things Bereaved Mothers Fear You’ll Think
Spiritual Attachment Trauma
Recently in one of our foster care training classes, the topic of the evening was “Trauma and Attachment.” We learned vital information about what happens in the mind and heart of a little one who is traumatized. Trauma can occur in many ways: physical, emotional, psychological. The traumatic event can be one-time or, more likely,… Continue reading Spiritual Attachment Trauma
365
365 days have passed. One mighty revolution around the sun. And here I am, the same day, one year later. People might think June 3, 2017 Was the worst day of my life. Never. I spent too much time with you, Too many memories, For this day to be shrouded in gray.… Continue reading 365
Elliot’s Birthday Gift
My precious Elliot, I can not believe that a year has passed since May 29, 2017. What a crazy day that was, little one! I’d been on hospital bed rest for 50 days, and was gearing up for just another of those days. Though I’d had some increased bleeding and contractions over the previous couple… Continue reading Elliot’s Birthday Gift
Raw and Filtered 